


The Couch Didn't Stand a Chance

by PinkPandorafrog



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, Sex Pollen, Thor is a troll
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:01:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27018478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkPandorafrog/pseuds/PinkPandorafrog
Summary: Darcy: "I took Skurge off your hands so you owe me."Thor: "I've heard how you've taken him off my hands, and I'm fairly certain you owe me."
Relationships: Darcy Lewis/Skurge | The Executioner
Comments: 15
Kudos: 124





	The Couch Didn't Stand a Chance

Darcy eyed up the new guy. He wasn’t Thor-big, but he wasn’t too far off. He was Asgardian, though, so that might have had something to do with it. All of the Asgardians she’d met personally belonged in the Tall People club.

He was pretty hot. Tall, of course, but she’d covered that. Bald, with a tattoo on either side of his head. The same beard-thing Thor was into. And Fandral, if she remembered correctly. Maybe that was an Asgardian thing too. He had a spear in one hand and what almost looked like a duffel bag in the other.

“Skurge,” she repeated incredulously. “It’s a wonder you’re not a cartoon villain.”

The new guy narrowed his eyes, his gaze flicking to Thor before coming back to her. Not only was there not a shred of understanding, but there wasn’t even any curiosity about what she might have meant. Sif and Thor didn’t always get her pop culture references, but they at least showed interest. She quelled a sigh and pasted a bright smile on her face.

“One of our bravest warriors.” Thor clapped Skurge on the armor covering his shoulder hard enough to make Darcy wince, though the smile on his own face seemed as hollow as her own. “With Loki seeking to cause chaos here, my father saw fit to provide an extra pair of eyes and a stout blade to guard my back.”

“Right.” Darcy had one arm crossed her stomach, and the other hand lifted her mug to her mouth for a drink. “What about your buds?” It would’ve been squishy with all of them, but she’d have found some way to make it work.

Skurge had puffed up with pride at Thor referring to him as one of Asgard’s bravest warriors, but that question made him wilt. His shoulders sagged a little, his mouth drooping at the corners.

Thor’s smile likewise stiffened. “They are needed elsewhere.”

“Right.” So this was a make-work project for this Einherjar guy, and while  _ he _ was tickled to be here, Thor maybe not so much. “Well, come on in.” She stepped back out of the doorway to let them both inside. “Please tell me you’ve already had the couch conversation.” Thor was a pretty awesome roommate in their two-bedroom house, and with both rooms taken…

It was Thor’s turn to wilt. “Not exactly.”

“Seriously?” Darcy sighed. She closed the door firmly behind her and followed them into the living room. Skurge looked around, his eyes alert like he was scanning for any hint of danger. “You’re gonna have to sleep out here. Sorry.” She wrinkled her nose. “Thor and I are taking up the bedrooms. But the couch is pretty comfortable and we’ll get you sheets and everything for it.”

Skurge looked at the couch in question. She wasn’t sure he’d even fit, but he nodded. “It will suffice,” he said with a resigned air.

Movement out of the corner of her eye pulled her attention. She looked over to see Thor noticeably edging toward the door. “I trust you’ll get him settled in. I have matters I must attend to.”

Darcy’s eyes went wide. “Don’t you fucking dare.” Her free hand went to her hip as she glared a warning at him.

Skurge straightened, his grip tightening on his spear. “I should accompany you.”

“No, no. Official Avengers business.” Thor even managed to look halfway-apologetic. “I’ll have to fly, of course. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“Thor!” Darcy hissed, but the slam of the door was her only answer. Fuck. She stared after him for a moment, eyes narrowed. This was going to be a discussion later. She took a long drink of coffee before turning back to the new guy now awkwardly standing in her living room. There wasn’t enough coffee in the world for this shit. “Right. Let’s get you settled in. Find somewhere for…” She motioned to the spear. “That.”

“A warrior is never far from his weapon.” Skurge hefted his spear, and the tip cut a smooth line across the ceiling. He looked up at it, bringing the spear back down to rest on the floor.

Darcy also looked up at the ceiling. “Uh huh. Well, I’d like to keep having a place to live, so maybe the spear needs to find a home.” She glanced at the door. “I bet Thor wouldn’t mind you putting it in his room.” That would show him. Maybe.

“Good idea.” He looked around the room before his eyes came back to her. “And where is that?”

Darcy motioned with her head. “Come on.” She carried her coffee down the hall to Thor’s room at the end. He had the bigger room, but he was, in fact, bigger. To be fair, he’d told Darcy he would take whatever room she didn’t, and she was content with the smaller one. It was, like, five times as big as the tiny closet she’d had in the desert, honestly.

Skurge entered behind her, peering around before stepping inside. He found a spare corner to gently rest the spear against before turning back to Darcy. “So,” he started, hands on his hips. “Are you Thor’s concubine?”

She could only stare at him for a moment before her brain decided that yes, he really did just ask that question. Out loud. To her. “Okay. I’m going to do you a favor and pretend you never asked that and go out there.” She jerked her thumb over her shoulder to the door. “You’re going to wait a couple of minutes, then come out as well. And never ask me that again.”

She turned and left before he had a chance to ask any further such questions. He was lucky she liked Thor as much as she did, or he would already be out on his ass. But Thor had asked for a really big favor and she just couldn’t say no.

But if he said anything else even close to that, he was sleeping in the garage.

A knock came at the door just as Darcy walked into the kitchen. Frowning, Darcy went to open it. There was no one there, just a pot with an impressively bushy plant in it. A card stood up in the leaves reading  _ Happy Housewarming _ .

Skurge appeared behind her, close enough that her shoulder bumped his chest. “What’s this?”

She jumped, not expecting him to be  _ right there _ . “Jesus! You’d think you’d be louder in all that armor.”

He narrowed his eyes and shook his head. “What is this?”

“I don’t know, but I don’t think it needs to come inside. We’ve been here for a while, and if we’re worried about someone about causing chaos…” Darcy took a drink of her coffee. It was hard not to be a little worried, but she was trying to play it cool.

He slipped by her, inadvertently pushing her closer to the door frame. He took a look around, then stepped up in front of her. “You should get back inside.”

She wanted to argue with him. He couldn’t tell her what to do, especially after what he’d said. However, he had a point. She turned around and went back in, but it was because she’s already planned to, not because he’d told her to. “Might as well get you sheets.”

She set her cup on the counter and headed back down the hall, this time intent on the linen closet. “Did you bring any Midgard-style clothes with you or…” Because she absolutely drew the line at going shopping with him. Thor was going to have to take care of that.

“No. Should I?”

“Well…” She opened the closet and peered into it for a moment before pulling out some spare bedding. “Probably. You’re probably gonna draw a bunch of odd looks, and if you want to watch Thor’s back without people interfering…” She headed back to the living room and dropped her armful on the couch. Her mouth was dry, and she went back to get her coffee. “There. Help yourself. There’s more blankets if you get cold, but I know Thor’s always a little space heater. A big space heater.” She took a long drink.

He bent over to get the bedding, and Darcy couldn’t help but look at his ass. He had an objectively nice ass.  _ No _ , she told herself firmly. She didn’t need to be doing that.

Or maybe she did. No, he’d literally  _ just _ asked if she was a concubine. If anyone deserved to have their ass stared at, it was him. And it was a nice ass.

He was probably all hard warrior muscles like Thor too. She couldn’t really tell past the armor, but the Einherjar were supposed to be Asgard’s super elite warriors. “Do you always wear the armor?”

“Not always.” He straightened, turning to look at her. “But it’s a great honor.”

“Uh huh.” She had another drink of her coffee. It wasn’t really helping. Her mouth was still super dry. “I should probably give you the tour of the rest of the house too.” She pointed down the hall. “Bathroom’s the first door on the left. My room is the other one down the hall. Kitchen.” She gestured to it before heading into it. “Help yourself to anything. Fuck, the grocery bill is going to double, isn’t it? And is it getting warm in here?” She was starting to feel flushed. Flushed and tingly. That semi-pre-aroused feeling she got when she was ovulating? Like that. Only she was fairly sure she was nowhere near ovulating. The body did weird things sometimes. Maybe that’s what this all was. Weird hormone shit.

“Anything?” Oh wow. Okay, he was not allowed to talk like that, all low and suggestive. That  _ did things _ to Darcy’s equilibrium. He took a step toward her.

She took a step back. Because she could very easily go in her room and take care of the increasingly distracting desire pooling between her legs on her own.  _ Or _ …

Okay, Skurge was pretty. He was pretty and totally down with helping her out if the intensity in his eyes meant anything. He kept advancing on her, backing her up until she bumped into something.

The counter. That was the counter pressing into the top of her ass. Skurge kept coming until he was right in front of her, so close she could feel the chill in his armor. “Anything?” he repeated.

Her head fell back so she could look into his face. “Yeah.” In the haze of her desire, the answer slipped from her lips almost before she even had time to think about it.

He smiled, his hand coming up to cup the side of her face. She felt the strength in his long fingers as they pushed back into her hair. Big hands, long fingers. He was warm too, warmer than her, and she couldn’t help but imagine those fingers moving over her body, teasing out pleasure.

His touch may have been gentle, but his kiss was not. His lips came down on hers, his tongue sweeping into her mouth. It was hard, rough, his teeth catching against her lip, nipping until she couldn’t keep in a soft noise. The intensity only added to the feeling of need that made her entire body feel tight and flushed.

His armor was rigid as she pressed herself against him, but it didn’t seem to matter. She couldn’t get enough of him, her palms running up his chest to try and find any opening to what lay beneath.

His hand slipped into the small of her back, pulling her against him. Without breaking the kiss, he turned them, steering them back into the living room. His sense of direction must have been amazing, because she didn’t even feel close to bumping into anything.

Skurge pulled away to grasp the hem of her shirt. “I want this off.” He was already pulling it up.

“Okay.” She lifted her arms to let him pull it over her head. He dropped it somewhere, but that didn’t matter. “This too.” She poked at the armor.

His lips set into a thin line, but he reached for a hidden seam, undoing the top part. Impatient fingers worked quickly until he peeled it away and let it fall as well. It made more sound than her shirt had. He wore some kind of sleeveless leather-looking shirt underneath, but that at least left his arms bare. And they were every bit as impressive as she’d hoped.

Darcy couldn’t not touch. She stepped into him, her fingers skimming up over his arms. He flexed under her touch, just judging by the sudden abundance of hard muscle, but she was really okay with that. “Gosh, you’re pretty.”

He didn’t answer, but the appreciation in his eyes was unmistakable. It seemed effortless for him to bend her back over one arm. His other hand closed around the front of her sports bra, yanking it up to expose her breasts. With a quick glance to her face, he bent to nuzzle against her breast.

His facial hair prickled deliciously over the hard point of her nipple. She couldn’t help but arch into him, seeking more.

He teased at the sensitive bud, catching it with his lips, nuzzling against her until she was writhing in his arms. “If you don’t-” she started, but cut off on a moan when he pulled it deep in his mouth.

Skurge made a smug noise that probably would’ve made her roll her eyes if she was capable of coherent thought. As it was, all she could do was grab for him as sensation lit up her body, sparking down between her legs.

Her fingers curled into the supple leather of his shirt, warm from the heat of his body. She tugged, wanting off so she had as much access to him as he did to her, but he ignored her. Instead his free hand pushed down into the front of her leggings, bypassing her panties until he could trace along her slick lower lips. Another smug noise feathered across her skin, but she didn’t even care.

Especially not when he pressed in to find the hard knot of her clit. She cried out when he circled over it, fast and maybe just a little too hard. His tongue lashed over her nipple as he drew on it, sensation layering on top of sensation until she could hardly take it.

Her nails raked across his shoulders as the heat built up inside her. He took up her entire world, with his broad shoulders and the pleasure he sent cascading through her body. It was so easy to lose herself, to let everything else slip away.

He let out a frustrated growl, raising his head and releasing her with a wet pop. Before she had a chance to ask what was wrong, he had her on her back on the couch, her leggings pulling at her skin as he yanked them off. She barely had time to register that she was bare to the cool air of the apartment before he was on her again.

He wrapped one arm around her thigh, pulling it up and out until she was spread before him. His head fell to the apex of her thighs, and she let out a cry when his lips fastened over her clit the same way they had with her nipple. The fingers of his other hand drove deep into her pussy, fucking her hard and fast.

It was too much, too intense. His tongue flicked back and forth as he sucked hard. Her hips came up off the upholstery, trying to get away, but he held her firmly in place. Another growl rumbled up from his chest, vibrating through her.  _ Mine _ he seemed to say as he commanded her pleasure.

There was no escape. The whirlwind of sensation left her breathless, on the edge of ecstasy before she knew it. Her hips bucked, meeting him instead of trying to get away, her hands desperately grabbing for the back of his shirt.

Skurge relentlessly pushed her headfirst into an orgasm. She came hard, heat flooding her limbs as he drove his fingers into her.

He was gone almost as suddenly, leaving her pussy clenching on nothing. Eyes dark with lust bored into her as he impatiently got the bottom half of his armor and his pants off. Just enough, the leather still wrapped around his thighs as he surged into her.

Darcy caught sight of his cock, thick and flushed, before he knelt between her legs. The size didn’t really register until he was pressing deep inside her, the stretch almost too much to bear even after two fingers and an orgasm.

She wrapped her legs around his hips, pulling him in deep. But her head felt like cobwebs began to clear, like a layer of hazy desire peeled away. It still felt good as he pulled back and snapped into her, but it wasn’t as all-consuming as it had been.

She opened her mouth to say something, but his arm slipped under her thigh, bringing it up to rest on his shoulder. It was suddenly deeper, harder,  _ more _ , each hard thrust pushing over her g-spot. A moan spilled out instead.

The sound of their skin slapping together filled the room. He fucked her hard, like he was still driven by the desperate need that had taken over her entire world. His other hand gripped the back of the couch for leverage, his muscles standing out in sharp relief.

The sudden cracking sound startled her, like a bucket full of cold water. Darcy barely had time to register it before it magnified and the world fell away. She yelped, her grip on him tightening, but it was only a brief moment of weightlessness before the couch settled unevenly on the floor. He’d broken her couch. He’d broken her fucking couch. Thor hadn’t even been able to do that. “You-”

Another growl slipped free, cutting her off. He surged to his feet, taking her with him. In another moment he had her pinned against the wall suddenly enough to startle her again, his cock still deep inside her. The angle was different. He was no longer hitting her G-spot, but instead her clit bumped into his pubic bone each time he fucked into her.

She let her head fall back against the wall, closing her eyes to let him take her away. Each steady thrust added to the heat coiling in tight until ecstasy sang through her. As she clenched around Skurge, he lost his rhythm. One last thrust buried him deep, and she felt the pulse of his own release.

He held her there for a moment as they caught her breath, and he gently lowered her to the floor. 

She braced her hand against his chest. She was about to smile, but she caught sight of the couch all uneven and too close to the floor. “You broke your bed.” It wasn’t like she  _ couldn’t _ replace the couch, but it would be a giant pain in the ass.

He turned to look over his shoulder at the abused piece of furniture. “Well,” he started before his head swung back around. “Guess I’ll just need to stay with you.”

“You think so?” She set her hand on her hip. Sure he was pretty, but he’d broken her fucking couch.

“I’ll make it worth your while.” His hand settled on her other hip, and he leaned in until his lips fastened over her neck. It took no time for him to find the sensitive hollow behind her ear. And okay, she was done… But that just felt good.

“Fine,” she found herself saying. “Just for tonight.” Or until she got a new couch.

**Author's Note:**

> I like this ship more than I probably should.


End file.
